To my first son starting kindergarten tomorrow,
This evening, I will tuck you into bed for the first of 13 nights before your first day of school. I will hug you longer tonight and remember the nights I nursed you in our rocking chair in your dark room. Rocking you and your brothers is one of my fondest memories I will have as your mom. I spent many hours praying over you and staring at every detail of your face. I am confident during those long nights- that I prayed for your first day of kindergarten. I will lay with you and kiss your cheeks wondering where all the baby chub went I once adored. I will pray once again over you - courage to speak with boldness, kindness to love all those who are around you, protection from destruction, love to be felt from your teachers and friends, compassion and mercy for those who are hurting, perseverance in hard moments and determination to complete tasks in front of you. Lastly - for your heart - that you know that Jesus is the one who gets the first and last say in WHO YOU ARE. That your heart would be seen how I see it. That you would be seen for who Jesus created you to be and your identity would remain in Him. Your heart is so very kind and compassionate, you are gentle and loving, you notice the small details and take your time to do things well and correctly. You are so very strong and brave. You proved that to us almost a year ago when you were sick fighting for your life. I have full confidence we will watch you excel at everything you will do.
After laying with you for too long after you fall asleep, I will double check you have all you will need tomorrow. I will crawl in my bed. I will thank Jesus for you and your brothers. I will wonder for the 8492943 time how 5 years passed so very quickly. I will cry again for the thousanth time in the last month. And we will wake up in the morning and celebrate you! Dad will probably be the one to cook you a special breakfast, mom will take hundreds of photos and then we will load up and drive to school for the first time. We will walk inside all together- and I will be choking back big crocodile tears. I will be trying to soak in all the little moments together walking into school and dropping you off for the first time. I will let go of your hand and hug you tight. I will not want to let go. I will tell you how proud I am of you and what a fun day that you will have. I will see the face you make when you are scared, nervous and anxious. It will break my heart into a million pieces and make me want to scoop you up and run out of there. But I won't because you will do amazing in kindergarten. You will excel in all you will do. I know these things. I know you will be loved, cared for and watched after. Because I trust Jesus with your life and He is ultimately in control of your path...not me.
I may not be ready for this new chapter for you because I am scared of how fast these next 13 years will fly by in school. I am not sure what it is about Kindergarten but it seems like a big jump in letting you go to grow. I will miss you here at home terribly. But, I am so ready and looking forward to watching you grow into all of the next big adventures He has for you.
I KNOW you are ready, even if I am not. And even though I will not be there physically with you. My heart is right with you, baby blue. I love you my sweet boy, I will be there to pick you up with excitement and my arms will be a safe place for you to land tomorrow at 3:20pm.